Today would be Samuel's 9 month birthday if he were still with us. It's sometimes hard to believe that it has been 9 whole months since his brief life here on earth. That's 9 months of missing out on all the joys of having a new baby in our home and our lives. Today we should be celebrating his 9 month birthday but instead we have a house that feels empty. We should be hearing laughter and the sounds of a baby playing with his toys but instead we have this ever present sadness.
Losing Samuel is not something I will or can ever "move on" from. It doesn't work that way. With time and with God's help the wound will heal and the pain will lessen, but the scar remains as a reminder of who and what I have lost. It is something I have to learn to live with.
I'm working on a wood sign that has a quote from Thomas Moore. "Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal." Those words really hit home when I first read them because I know God is helping me heal. And he will complete that healing when I am reunited with Samuel in Heaven someday.
For now I am left to wonder what it would be like to have a 9 month old boy crawling around the house, playing, getting into things, laughing, crying, chasing the cats, and just making a mess. For now I am left with nothing but memories and sadness. I guess I'll just have to wait a really long time.
I miss you and I love you Samuel. I know I will see you again someday, but not soon enough.